I took an astronomy class three years ago in community college and feel educated enough to write horoscopes. So every Sunday I will gaze up at the sky and have the stars and planets tell me what you should expect each week.
So without further adieu, here are your horoscopes for the week. They are hashtagged for your Twitter convince. 😉
#aries The stars say you will gain three pounds this week, but I say you are just big boned.
#taurus Pluto is upset it’s not a planet anymore. Balance the negativity by singing “Gangsta’s Paradise” every night
#gemini You will try a new body soap this week and your car will be stolen. You will still smell good.
#cancer Jupiter is messing everything up. Make sure to use this to your advantage by saying “It’s not my fault, its damn Jupiter!”
#leo Lions are the kings of the jungle. You are the king of the bathroom after getting a bad case of food poisoning.
#virgo You will try dressing emo this week. After one day of the tight pants and hair in your eyes you will stop. Try not to cry about it.
#libra A run in with the police will bring you down this week. Next time you should think before you dace to “Free Bird” at a bar naked.
#scorpio You will get short term turrets and say everything three times. Don’t let it bug you, don’t let it bug you, don’t let it bug you.
#sagittarius You will discover all of the “Land Before Time” movies are on Netflix instant watch. Say goodbye to productivity this week.
#capricorn You are irritable and you will give someone somthing to think about when you tell them Barack Obama is an alien.
#aquarius Change is coming when break a $100 at the local supermarket.
#pisces You may find yourself in a sticky situation this week. My advice is to avoid honey farms and movie theater floors.